Two Years Ago Today

Two years ago right now, I was in a conference room at a hotel in Guiyang, China with my mom, 2 guides, and 3 other families. The elevator door opened and women, men, and babies started to fill the waiting area outside of the open door. The woman next to me said, "I don't see Fin". We had already exchanged referral pictures and chosen names with the other families during the trip into Guiyang. My heart tightened. I hadn't seen her either. Then, Mian Mian was in the doorway held in the arms of a Chinese woman and trailed by several other people. The small, gathering crowd was asked to sit outside until everything was in order and our little group peered anxiously into the hallway. It was like the day of an arranged marriage. We knew the faces and second-hand reports of the one we were going to spend the rest of our lives with, but we were just now meeting on the day we would be committed to each other. It was exhilarating and terrifying.

The woman holding the little girl I was going to call Fin kept pointing at me and saying, "Mama." I had sent ahead a book captioned in Chinese with pictures of me, my family, and our home. The little girl shook her head slightly and dismissively. When the organizers joined the two groups, I can't really tell you what happened. I was focusing on appearing fun and non-threatening. I held out a panda bear my aunt had given Fin and a car I bought on a frantic airport shopping spree when I found out she loved toy cars. I know she was anxious. I know she wasn't interested in me. I know that she wanted to leave with the nice lady who was holding her, and with her foster parents, and with anyone else in that room that she even vaguely knew. It was such a short time, way too short. I spoke with her foster parents briefly. They loved her. I was overwhelmed with gratitude and guilt. Then, everyone Mian Mian knew left and it was awful. I hope she will never again know pain like she felt that night and the days that followed.

In the room, she took a short nap, emotionally and physically exhausted. I sat by the bed staring at her face as she slept. I had looked at her pictures for 6 weeks, trying to figure out who she was from these three baby pictures and a recent passport-type photo. Seeing her face move slightly in sleep, watching her breath, I just fell in love.



I don't know how I got so lucky. I would have been fortunate to know this resilient, clever, riotously funny little girl, but to get to be her mom is something that is a blessing, completely undeserved. Two years ago today I met my best friend and she has opened my heart to boundless joy.


I love you, Baby Girl.