Sunny Days, Sweeping the Clouds Away

We took advantage of the beautiful spring weather and met Debbie and Elizabeth for pizza and the park. It was nice to kick back and chat, in between saying, "We don't hit friends," "I can't hear you when you whine," and "Sitting down means on your butt." One of these days, Debbie and I are just going out for a drink, sans kids.

Stevie.


Yippee!


Speedy.


Giddy.

To Be a Mother

If you hear about adoptive parents in the news, they are usually either selfless martyrs or heinous abusers. The recent extravagant rejection of Justin Artyem Hansen by the woman who adopted him had led several people to ask me, "What do you think?"

My opinion is shaped by the media reports I have read. Torry Hansen sent the boy she adopted last fall back to Russia alone. I think that is horrific. I also think she was never this child's mother. She didn't commit to him. The boy may well have been violent, but there is no evidence she took him to a psychologist, that she contacted her agency to ask for help, that she called DSS and asked them about her options for getting him the psychiatric assistance he needed. She returned him, like an ill-fitting shirt. If she was his mother, she would not have done that. Some people end up having to relinquish rights to their child, adopted or biological, so that they can live in a therapeutic home or group setting for the child's benefit and the safety of the family. It is a last resort, though, not a first option.

Adoption papers don't make you a parent. They make you the legal parent of a child, but they can't issue the ability to be a mother or father any more than they can hand out that capability in the maternity ward. That is what makes a story like Artyem Hansen set the adoptive parent's radar pinging. Torry Hansen's actions create an atmosphere where the authenticity of adoptive families are questioned. The news cycle has progressed to covering the "whys" of the story, talking to other people with difficult adoption stories, and making us all a bit defensive. "That's the problem with adoptions."

Here's the thing, though. It isn't about adoption. Adoption offers its own set of challenges, but doesn't having biological children? I don't know about you, but I hear some horrible stories of parents who abandon, abuse, even torture their biological children. I don't hear, "That's the problem with having babies." There are good parents and bad parents, no matter how your children come to you.

Torry Hansen did an awful thing. She didn't try hard enough and long enough. She didn't commit. Maybe in the end, she still would not have been able to keep Artyem at home, but at least she would have acted like his mother.

I am not a martyr or a monster. I am a mom, though. To a silly, morbid, willful, wiggly, giggly, adopted daughter. I couldn't love her more. I could not be more her mother.